When actress Kristen says in the trailer for Nobody Wants This Season 2: “You know what the dream is? Being attracted to someone who makes you feel safe.” she perfectly captures a truth that many of us don’t realize until much later in life — sometimes safety doesn’t feel like what we think it should.

In fact, for many people, especially those with an anxious attachment style, a partner who feels safe can actually feel… boring.

This isn’t necessarily because they’re not a good match or because there’s “no spark.” It could be because for years, your nervous system may have been taught to interpret anxiety as chemistry.

Why Safety Can Feel Boring

If you grew up in an environment where love felt inconsistent (sometimes available, sometimes withdrawn) your brain and body learned to stay on high alert. You became attuned to every little shift in tone, every pause, every delay in a reply.

So, when you meet someone who is calm, consistent, and secure, your body doesn’t get that adrenaline rush. There’s no emotional rollercoaster. And because you’ve been conditioned to equate intensity with love, your brain might whisper: “This feels flat. Something must be missing.”

The Anxious Attachment Loop

Anxiously attached individuals often experience:

• Fear of abandonment – a deep worry that your partner will leave, withdraw, or lose interest.
• Heightened sensitivity – picking up on the tiniest cues, even neutral ones, as potential rejection.
• Hypervigilance – constantly scanning for signs that something might be wrong.
• Reassurance-seeking – needing constant confirmation that you’re loved and wanted.

This combination can create emotional highs and lows that feel powerful — but they’re powered by fear, not true security.

When Attraction is Actually Anxiety

Here’s where things get tricky:

• The pursuit of someone unpredictable can feel intoxicating because your brain is hooked on the chase.
• The emotional “drop” when they pull away reinforces the need to win them back, which spikes dopamine and creates a reward cycle.
• Conflict and rupture can feel like passion because they activate deep survival responses — fight, flight, or fawn.
  

This means that when you finally meet someone steady and safe, you might think:

• “There’s no spark.”
• “They’re too nice.”
• “I should feel more excited than this.”
  

But what you may really feeling is the absence of anxiety — and that can feel unfamiliar, even wrong.

Re-Learning What Love Feels Like

The good news: attraction to safety can be learned. It takes intentional work to rewire your nervous system to see calm as desirable, not boring. Here’s how therapy can help:

• Build awareness – learning to notice when your attraction is being driven by anxiety versus genuine compatibility.
• Regulate your nervous system – calming the body’s hypervigilant response so you can experience safety without shutting down.
• Redefine “spark” – finding excitement in healthy connection, shared values, and consistency rather than chaos.
• Heal old wounds – working through the fear of abandonment that fuels the rollercoaster.
  

Why This Work Matters

Choosing partners who are safe, secure, and supportive gives us the foundation for healthy intimacy. It stops the cycle of chasing love through conflict and emotional volatility.

At first, this might feel like “less passion.” But over time, it becomes a steady warmth — the kind that doesn’t burn you out.

Support for Anxious Attachment at VOX Mental Health:

Being attracted to someone who makes you feel safe is a dream — but for many of us, it’s also a journey. If you find yourself craving drama, missing the “spark,” or pushing away the person who treats you well, it might not mean you’re with the wrong person. It might mean your attachment system is asking for healing. At VOX Mental Health, our team of therapists is here to support you in understanding your attachment patterns, navigating relationship dynamics, and cultivating the capacity to experience safety and connection in your relationships. Whether in-person in Barrie or virtually across Ontario, we provide a trauma-informed, client-centred approach to help you build healthy, fulfilling partnerships. Book a session today to begin your journey toward secure, lasting love.

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