Every holiday season, countless individuals brace themselves before stepping into family gatherings. Not because they dislike the season or the people they share it with, but because they are expected to play a role that’s as exhausting as it is invisible:
The peacekeeper.

Smile. Keep things pleasant. Don’t talk about the past. Don’t disrupt the mood. Don’t bring up what hurts. Just get through it.

This unspoken contract, what many therapists refer to as dishonest harmony, is one of the most common, yet least acknowledged, relational patterns within families. It is the pressure to maintain peace at any cost, even if that peace is artificial, fragile, and emotionally harmful.

And during the holidays, dishonest harmony often becomes the emotional centrepiece of family life.

The Silent Weight of Pretending Everything Is Fine: Dishonest Harmony

Dishonest harmony does not look like conflict. In fact, it often looks like the absence of it.

• It shows up in the silence after someone asks how you’ve been and you answer, “I’m good,” even when you’re not.
• It shows up in the jokes that gloss over real pain.
• It shows up in the topics everyone avoids to “keep the holiday light.”
• It shows up in the pressure to make sure no one gets uncomfortable.

Families that operate this way become skilled performers; managing optics, smoothing over emotional injuries, and avoiding anything that challenges the family narrative.

And the emotional cost of this performance can be devastating.

Why Holiday Gatherings Intensify the Pattern of Dishonest Harmony

The holiday season tends to revive longstanding family myths:

“We’re a close family.”
“We don’t need to talk about the past.”
“We’re a peaceful family.”
“Let’s just enjoy ourselves.”

But maintaining these narratives often requires someone to sacrifice their emotional reality.

Dishonest harmony demands:

• Silence about what hurt you
• Distance from your own needs
• Shrinking your truth to fit the mood
• Avoiding boundaries so others remain comfortable
• Pretending that healing isn’t necessary

You don’t show up as yourself; you show up as the version that makes everyone else feel settled. And that is not harmony, it is experienced as forced self-abandonment.

The Mental Health Impact of Dishonest Harmony

Although dishonest harmony may create short-term calm, it has significant long-term effects on psychological health, particularly for individuals already navigating trauma, anxiety, or complex relational histories.

Below are the primary ways dishonest harmony affects well-being during the holiday season:

1. Emotional Suppression and Internalized Stress

Pretending to be fine requires constant self-monitoring. Individuals may suppress grief, anger, sadness, or fear to maintain the expected holiday “tone.” Emotional suppression has been repeatedly linked to:

• Increased anxiety
• Heightened physiological stress
• Sleep disturbances
• Emotional exhaustion
• Depressive symptoms

The very effort to hold everything together becomes a source of psychological strain.

2. Disconnection From Self

Dishonest harmony demands that individuals mute or minimize their internal experience. Over time, this can create emotional dissonance; the gap between what one feels and what one expresses.

During the holidays, this internal conflict often intensifies. People may:

• Play a “role” rather than show who they are
• Deny their own needs to maintain family comfort
• Struggle to feel present, grounded, or authentic
• Experience guilt for wanting to set boundaries

This disconnection can erode self-trust and self-esteem.

3. Reinforcement of Unhealthy Family Dynamics

Dishonest harmony maintains the status quo, even when the status quo is harmful.

Examples include:

• Ignoring ongoing patterns of criticism or scapegoating
• Protecting family members from accountability
• Silencing the “truth teller” or the “cycle breaker”
• Rewarding individuals for being compliant rather than authentic

In these environments, the family’s comfort takes priority over an individual’s emotional health. This often leads to long-standing resentment and a sense of invisibility.

4. Increased Risk of Post-Holiday Emotional Crash

The strain of performing emotional labor throughout the holidays can result in an emotional crash once the season ends. Individuals commonly report:

• Feeling depleted or numb
• Experiencing delayed grief
• Heightened irritability or sadness
• Difficulty returning to normal routines
• A sense of confusion about their emotional experience

The relief of being out of dishonest harmony often reveals how stressful the experience truly was.

5. Impaired Opportunities for Honest Connection

Perhaps the most devastating impact of dishonest harmony is the lost opportunity for genuine closeness. Authentic relationships require honest communication, emotional risk, and mutual vulnerability. Dishonest harmony prevents all of these.

Instead of real connection, families experience proximity without intimacy; togetherness without depth. The holiday season becomes a performance rather than a moment of genuine relational nourishment.

Final Thoughts

Dishonest harmony may look like peace, but it is peace built on emotional sacrifice. The holidays can magnify this dynamic, especially in families where history, trauma, and expectations collide. Real relational health does not come from silence or performance. It comes from authenticity, whether that means honest conversation, clear boundaries, or choosing not to engage in certain environments.

The goal is not to force conflict, nor to avoid it at all costs, but to choose the path that protects your mental health and honours your authenticity. If the holidays leave you exhausted, unseen, or anxious, know that you don’t have to navigate it alone. Therapy can help you set boundaries, process complex emotions, and break free from the cycle of dishonest harmony. Reach out to VOX Mental Health today to start your journey toward authentic connection and inner peace.