A common tension between baby boomers and their adult children comes up again and again in therapy: the disconnect between public symbols of love and the private substance of relationship.

On a Reddit parenting thread, one frustrated parent wrote:

“My boomer relatives think they have a relationship with my kids because they comment on Facebook photos or post ‘Happy Birthday’ messages. But they never call, visit, or even text. My kids don’t feel close to them at all.”

This captures something many millennials and Gen Z children feel: when grandparents or older relatives publicly post about them without actually reaching out, it rings hollow. Instead of being received as a gesture of love, it highlights the absence of a real connection.

Boomers and the Symbols of Love

Baby boomers grew up in a time when symbolic gestures were often understood as invitations into relationship. Sending a birthday card, signing your name on a graduation card, or showing up at a ceremony carried the message: “I’m here, I care, and I’d like to stay connected.” These gestures mattered because, more often than not, they were paired with lived connection—family dinners, phone calls, and community gatherings that gave the symbols their weight.

But in today’s digital world, posting a birthday message on Facebook or sharing an old photo on Instagram does not naturally function as the same kind of invitation. For millennials and Gen Z—who have been raised in a sea of curated content, advertising, and influencer culture—symbols without substance feel hollow. If there’s no lived connection behind them, these public gestures are not received as open doors to relationship, but rather as performances. What was once an invitation now risks being experienced as exclusion, even rejection, because the symbol doesn’t line up with reality.

Why Millennials and Gen Z See It Differently

Millennials and Gen Z are fluent in the language of curated content. They have been conditioned to read between the lines, to notice when something looks “authentic” versus when it feels “fake.” They know how carefully a post can be crafted to look a certain way while telling very little about the truth behind the scenes.

So when a grandparent or parent makes a public post about a grandchild—but hasn’t called them, visited them, or had a real conversation—it doesn’t land as love. It lands as confusing and sometimes painful. The adult child or teen sees the gap between what is being shown to the world and what is actually happening in their life.

This mismatch—symbols without substance—creates mistrust. Instead of drawing younger generations closer, it can actually push them away.

Emotional Impact on Young People

When grandparents post online but rarely call, message, or spend time in person, the gap between symbol and substance becomes deeply felt. For grandkids and adult children alike, it can stir painful questions:

• Invisible — “Am I only seen when it’s convenient to display me online? Do they even notice me outside of Facebook?”
• Misunderstood — “Why celebrate me publicly but never reach out privately? Do they know what actually matters to me?”
• Disconnected — The relationship begins to feel one-sided, more about the grandparent’s image or sense of involvement than about mutual closeness.

Over time, these moments—though small in isolation—can accumulate into a quiet ache. The emotional bond is not broken in a dramatic way, but it frays subtly, leaving younger generations with a sense that love is conditional, distant, or performative. What was likely meant as affection becomes experienced as absence, and the longing for genuine connection grows sharper.

What Builds Real Connection

For many grandparents, a heartfelt Facebook post or a proud comment online feels like love expressed. In their generation, public acknowledgement was often a meaningful gesture — a way of saying, “I see you, I value you.” But for many Millennials and Gen Z, these gestures can land differently. Without personal follow-through, they may feel more like distance than closeness, more like performance than presence.

If you’re a grandparent or parent who truly longs to be closer to your children or grandchildren, consider that what felt meaningful in your generation may have the opposite effect today. The good news is that connection doesn’t require grand gestures — it grows from small, steady moments of presence.

Here are a few shifts that matter more than any online post:

1. Reach Out Before You Post
   Send a quick text, card, or make a call—especially around birthdays or milestones. Saying something like “Happy birthday, let’s chat soon!” can mean far more than a public post ever will.
2. Call, Don’t Just Comment
   Even a five-minute phone call communicates presence in a way that likes or emojis never can.
3. Ask, Listen, and Show Genuine Interest
   Engage in two-way conversation. Ask about their day, school, hobbies, or interests. Thoughtful questions like “How’s soccer going?” or “What was your favourite part of your week?” create space for real connection.
4. Consistency Over Ceremony
   Connection isn’t built through occasional grand gestures. A regular check-in—a weekly text, monthly call, or simple “thinking of you” message—matters far more than an annual birthday post.
5. Show Up Privately, Not Just Publicly
   Teens and young adults often guard their privacy. Heartfelt direct messages, cards, or one-on-one conversations feel warmer and more genuine than public shout-outs.
6. Let Posts Complement, Not Substitute
   Social media can still be a way to celebrate and share joy—but only after meaningful connection has occurred. Let your posts reflect engagement, not replace it.

The Takeaway

Boomers often intend their online posts as symbols of love. But for millennials and Gen Z, symbols without substance feel hollow—and sometimes even hurtful. The invitation is not to stop expressing love, but to make sure your gestures are backed by real-life connection, so as not to inadvertantly cause more pain or distance.

VOX Mental Health – Family Therapy

At VOX Mental Health, we understand that family relationships are complex and ever-evolving. Our family therapy services provide a safe, judgment-free space where each member can be heard, understood, and supported. Whether you’re navigating communication challenges, generational differences, or relational patterns that cause stress or conflict, our therapists work collaboratively with your family to build stronger connections, healthy boundaries, and mutual understanding.

We take a person-centred, trauma-informed approach, tailoring strategies to your family’s unique dynamics and goals. Through compassionate guidance and evidence-based interventions, we help families develop the tools to foster lasting connection, resilience, and emotional well-being.

Virtual and in-person sessions are available in Barrie, Ontario, ensuring accessibility for families across the region.